Saturday 9 February 2008

L4/6 Turns me off, baby

6. Have a TV-free evening and play games instead

I managed to have a TV free evening, but I have to say I usually do. When we moved here there was satellite TV, and I dreamed of happy hours channel hopping between priceless costume jewelery sales and dumper truck racing from Stuttgart. I’ve tried it and confidentially, friends, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be as a way of life. Stewart and Nicholas are developing serious blokiness by spending hours on Dave (the TV Channel, that is = wall-to-wall Jeremy Clarkson.) Lucy has now seen every Ground Force there ever was, and I've done ditto for Grand Designs. We did the X Factor. The troops do like their Big Brother, though not as much as they did. Ah! Big Brother. Ten weeks hard Vicky Pollard in Slow Motion.
Stentorian Geordie Voice: Day nine-ee foour. Three-Thirt-ee Pee-em. Taser has been Soomoned to the Diarrhy Room.
Big Brother (for it is s/he): Housemates are reminded that it is against the rules to urinate in the Teapot
Taser (real name Lee): Yeah well Big Brother. It was Stig and GBH. They was doing my ’ead in.
Big Brother (for it is still s/he): How did they do that?
Taser (real name Lee): Dunno but they was fu**ing doing my head in and I told them they was fu**ing motherfu**ers and GBH said it's your own fu**ing fault so I pissed in his tea, but I missed cos it was still in the fu**ing pot and anyway GBH has been shagging Tasha and Day-glo in the boys toilets cos she's a fu**ing slag...
Stentorian Geordie Voice: Foour pee-em. Day-glo and Satnav are in the sandpit with Play-Doh, Yasser and Chippy, doing nothing... etc etc etc. for 10 weeks
Anyway eventually I realised this was enticing stuff but it wasn’t really me, so tried to be a brave soldier and cut down, and by and large I managed pretty well...

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