The IMDB warns “The plot synopsis of this film is empty.” But I look upon that statement as a challenge. Niyah, a shiny six footer in kinky boots and PVC cycle cape, comes straight from Mars. But what’s she doing over here? Well, Mars, now governed by women, has run out of men. Probably eaten by kinky devil girls. Let’s hope they died happy. So Niyah has come over here, accompanied by a Kelvinator Chunky Robot who doesn’t like trees, to replenish with hearty highland stock. All she can find on the moors are tweedy old gits with pebble glasses, and twinset girls in two piece business suits. Hope springs eternal at a humble highland guest house — They don’t do Bombay Mix, but they have got a desirably plummy Harry Enfield male lead.
NIYAH (for it is She): Fools!Quite. You can work out the rest for yourself.
DPHEML: Mrs Jamieson! May I introduce your latest guest. This is Niyah. she comes from Mars.
CRABBY LANDLADY: Oh, well that’ll be another bed.
But these things were written for our learning. This is the summer of love when General Synod votes on female bishops, and some real ones come to Lambeth. Some will remember that Item 1 on the radical feminist agenda was a fantastic night of terror that menaced the fate of the world back in 1954. “Mankind’s greatest threat is a single woman.” The more reflective and mission minded among us will think that 50 years on it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee.