Radical Pastoral Reorganisation

How often do pastors want to take the whole Church with them on an important issue? In these ordinariate days, there are clergy out there wanting to change their denominations and take the buiding. Well now they can, in the rural Midwest anyway, thanks to a radical fresh approach, from John Deere and the incomparable Daniel Pemberton.

Bathing Beauties of 19º 35" East

Here it is — footage which all Jerusalem awaits, that may yet take the movie world by storm with its innovative camera techniques and generally Andy Warhol Underground Style applied to unusual subject matter. In it we see the Bishop of Oxford and a Junior Colleague trying to sink in the Dead Sea. We conclude that this is no place to go baptizin’. It was strange indeed to float so high as to be able to hold a camera above the briny and film.

You will notice, and I hope appreciate, Busby Berkeley rotary effects, an occasionally vertical focal plane, and a 1960’s surfin’ theme applied to an inland lake of battery acid with 2 cm waves. This battery acid is said to cure Psoriasis — or perhaps cause psoriasis. Soon we’ll find out which, anyway. Those who market its mud tell us that their product reverses ageing. Therefore John and I only stayed for half an hour or so, because neither of us particularly wanted to return to the UK as a baby...

Summertime and the living is easy

Having spent a spectacularly mellow sunny morning off (after 8.00 BCP, a long conversation with Stephanie in the garden about film, and a couple of levels of Angry Birds with Stewart), I cook lunch. Now it’s give my touchy-feely side the serious attention it deserves — aided by a guru of gurus, Swami Jeff, a mellow fellow if ever there was one. Here he discovers in his own psychodynamic way how Fathers find it so hard to be fully in tune with the Universe...

Ride a dead horse...

As our politicians try to find ingenious ways to save cash, Private Eye tells us that in 2007, The Ministry of Defence managed to find £700m of efficiency ssings, whilst the National Audit Office found that MoD’s procurement budget had ballooned by £733m the same year through “deliberate delays.” The dear old NHS last year saw a 2% rise in the number of nurses, 6% in the number of medical consultants, and 12% in the number of managers.

Meanwhile, in Churches all over the country, some programmed activities stagger on way past their sell-by date, bereft of passion, commitment and support, running on guilt and the fading memory of supposedly glorious days gone by.

Into these troubling predicaments ride Jeff and Caroline Wilkinson of Towson, Maryland, USA, (h/t Ali Kaan) with a breakthrough discovery for manegement consultants everywhere:

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount." However, in modern business, education and government, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired".
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements on all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

One might add “introducing a new appraisal scheme” and “setting smart targets.” Why don’t Christians have a more coherent internalised theology of death and resurrection? We are called to what St Paul called “carrying about in the body the death of the Lord Jesus so that the life of the Lord Jesus may live through us.” That’s why churches rot away on the outside, but are continually renewed within, by God’s good providence.

Inability or refusal to grasp and internalise this basic “life and death” principle of Christianity leads to triumphalism, dead institutonalism, infallibilism, fundmentalisms various, and paranoia about being persecuted. It saps energy and stirs contention. It encourages Christians in stormy waters to cling to the wreckage, when they should be putting out into the deep.

Real Easter faith, is accepting the deadness of what really is dead and to trusting in God, who raises the dead, for all that is to be. As demonstrated by Jesus on the night of his arrest, saving faith is about knowing we have come from God and are returning to him, whatever may come in between...

image of King Wenceslas riding a horse upside down from Adam Paul: All rights reserved. Used by kind permission.

Restricted Views still available...

...at a price. Rounding off an interesting media theme, kudos to the very wonderful Dan & Dan for their new and painfully accurate Daily Mail song. Paying careful attention to it will save you a lot of money you might otherwise have wasted on buying the paper.

h/t Phil Ritchie and The Media Blog. It’s available here as an mp3 for your iPod.

Much Ado About Nothing

Enlightenment as I discover from Reading’s favourite son, the effervescent and incisive Charlie Brooker, how news stories have to be presented on UK TV:

Back, perhaps, to matters of greater moment tomorrow.

Wild about the Web?

The Internet is now so well-known that it is beginning to get on the Telly. And high class telly, at that. BBC2 is assembling a huge cast of Egregious Geeks to pontificate solemnly about the web in a four part series next year called The Digital Revolution. Incredibly original title, incredibly original show. In fact this is only the working title, so they might end up calling it something genuinely revolutionary, like “Garibaldi” or “Kropotkin.”

Thanks to wondrous Mashup specialists Cassetteboy, here are some preliminary rushes, straight from the Bowels of the BBC, where the Wild Things Are. They demonstrate how portentious and revelatory this digital experience is shaping up to be:

Think you could do better? You can. Competition and raw clips are available here.

Let’s squish our fruit together!

In a world of division, this latest bit of public loonery from ImprovEverywhere has Broadway class, and a heartwarming Ecumenical theme:

Spare the Rod...

Giving shoes to needy children is a wonderful and moving marketing concept for Tom’s Shoes, and also AT&T. Good marketing works, and any mention reinforces a marketing message to strengthen a good campaign, so here’s a powerful response from (spoof) rival Rod’s Shoes:

Ah, Bless!

Le Jour de Gloire est arivée!

New horizons in conflict on the streets of Paris, as the mayors of Levallois-Perret (Patrick Balkany, Conservative) and Clichy-la-Garenne (Gilles Catoire, Socialist) fall out, bigtime. As part of their feud, each has used his mayoral powers to turn his bit of the Rue Victor Hugo (D909) into a one-way street, but in opposite directions. Ze copper’s lot is not an ’appy one, as the Paris police try to work out what to do at the point one way traffic North to South suddenly meets one way traffic South to North. I remember something of the geometry, albeit somehat hazily, from being at school in Pontoise for a short while in 1969.

Slugging it out with one-way signs is a comparatively rational-bureaucratic form of warfare on the streets of Paris, when one considers 1789, 1831, 1848 or 1871. Perhaps thesis and antithesis will eventually yield synthesis, but how? As a young staff officer Charles de Gaulle was fascinated by the role of ego and Neitzsche’s Superman dogma in the course of the Great War. In La discorde chez l’ennemi (1924) he wrote:

Peut-etre enfin, en méditant sur ces événements, voudra-t-on mesurer quelle importance revêt la philosophie supérieure de la guerre qui anime les chefs, et qui le peut, tantôt rendre vains les plus rudes efforts d’un grand peuple, tantôt constituer la garantie la plus générale et la plus sûre des destinées de la Patrie...

Sometimes smaller scale logic, however consistent, is not enough and we need to pan out, n’est-ce pas? a rather Anglican thought for the day.

Above you’ll find two two versions of Delacroix’s famous La Liberté guidant le peuple. Which do you prefer? Left to right, or right to left? Or both simultaneously?

God in a Box?

Vestries often contain lovely things — treasures the public, sadly, never gets to see. In High Wycombe recently, I was very struck by this holy and intriguing object, and couldn't help wondering what manner of cubist Messiah might lie inside. I notice he likes to be a particular way up, too.

He’s definitely got more God-in-a-box appeal than average, and could well be the most intresting Hidden Vestry Object in Bucks.

Unless anyone out there knows better....

BNP:Back to the future?

As Britain burns up with European Election Fever, or not, Some Grey Bloke answers the door:

Disappearing Car: No tricks, no CGI

Could our wheels be less intrusive? Sarah Watson, 2nd year Art Student at the University of Central Lancashire in Preston, has found an utterly brilliant, if only partially effective, way to reduce the visual environmental impact of the car.

"I was experimenting with the whole concept of illusion but needed something a bit more physical to make a real impact."

Exclusive! man battles Swine Flu

Information here & UK medical advice here. BBC overview here. We must remember other flu strains kill thousands every year. It’s also useful to remember a pandemic is so-called because of its potential spreadability, not necessarily its virulence. The answer on this occasion seems to be basic hygiene and common sense awareness. Panic is not helpful.

Newspaper reporting has not been glorious. Take this example, from Thursday’s Evening Standard:

A 22-year-old London man with swine flu was today “in a bad way” in hospital. The student, the first person in the capital diagnosed with the virus, had been on holiday with friends to Cancun in Mexico. Health chiefs said on Wednesday the man from Barnet, who has not been named, was only suffering “mild” flu-like symptoms.

But today his spokesman revealed the 22-year-old patient at the Royal Free hospital is now experiencing severe sickness and vomiting. Agent Max Clifford told the Evening Standard: “He’s in a bad way at the Royal Free and is suffering from awful sickness and vomiting. It’s not good news.”

So hang on. The hospital say he has mild flu-like symptoms, but his publicist says he’s in a bad way and suffering from awful sickness and vomiting. Whom do we believe, the hospital or the PR man? It seems that print media have been no more reliable as sources of information than others, to put it mildly. You have to ask, is there a place for publicists in public health? As people sign up to tell their stories, we can only imagine the full horror:

Day 1
09:30 Sneezed
10:00 Now feeling a bit snuffly. Should have shunned man wearing Sombrero on bus...
10:30 Wife sneezed.
11:15 Wife now feeling a bit snuffly. Making cup of tea
11:45 Phoned NHS direct. They said I was probably OK, but if anxious I should consult a doctor. Explained that was what I was trying to do when I ruddy phoned them. Lady said she wasn’t actually a doctor but doing her best to handle inceased volume of calls. Reassured. Not.
12:15 Wife realised we were out of Beecham’s Powders. Situation becoming Critical.
12:30 Wife popping out for Beecham's Powders
13:15 snoozed off in front of telly with pint and bag of Pork Scratchings. Aw, what the hell... I might as well die happy.
17:15 Feed a cold and starve a fever. No pie for tea! At least this thing isn't slowing the wife down... yet!
19:15 2nd lot of Beecham's powders: began to feel better
21:15 Ovaltine and early night:
22:30 Rage against dying of the light. Will I ever see the dawn? (Max suggested this bit)

Day 2
06:15 Missed Dawn. Slept through. Probably for the best.
10:30 Feeling a bit better but still slightly snuffly
11:45 Feeling a lot better, actually. Last lot of Beecham’s powders.
13:45 Er...
17:15 ...that’s it.
18:45 Cat sneezed. Does our contract with Max cover domestic animals? Could be critical if this thing mutates...

Hallelujah Chorus for Trappists

I was going to have a day off the Blog today, enjoying worshipping in Church as a member of the congregation on a glorious, beautiful Sunday evening. My tweepcount reached 1742 this morning and I had posted the première of Handel’s Messiah as my historical fact. Then The Revd David Lewis sent me something on Twitter that I simply have to record for posterity — the Hallelujah Chorus performed by a choir subect to a vow of silence. Perfick.

PS The fact that David seems to have managed to get this to me from the floor of the Baptist Assembly in Bournemouth only addds to its essential wonderfulness.

Nail Your Colours to the Fußboden

Kitting up for the Bremen Kirchentag, I notice one essential for non-flaky Christians everywhere — Die Luthersocke.

Each pair bears the immortal slogan — “Hier stehe ich. Ich kann nicht anders. (Here I stand. I can do nothing else)”

Available to all in five colours (not only Anglicans), it’s a sure-fire way for clergy everywhere to prove their Standhaftigkeit and disprove idiotic allegations that they aren’t resolute enough. Good for lazy so-and-so’s, too. Your own personal Diet of Worms to go (or not, as the case may be). The Boy can now nail his feet to the burning deck, whence all but he have fled. God helps those who help themselves for 7 Euros, here. Amen.

Keep those Meetings sweet, now...

As the Annual Parochial Church Meetings deadline of 30 April approaches, I detect slightly raised anxiety levels among colleagues. As far as in everybody lies, I recommend a light touch. If people must be contentious give them custard pies and even contentious can be fun. We all need a bit of inspiration for our APCM’s, so here it is:
Remember, everyone should be home by 21·30, latest. When people begin to take themselves too seriously, Pelagianism crouches by the door. Remember at all times what St Thomas Aquinas said — “Unmitigated seriousness betokens a Lack of Virtue.”

1066 and all that (for Twits)

Back on 16 March I noticed that my number of twitter followers had reached 1066 and was growing steadily. I started a series of daily tweets, which reached 1592 this morning, with the occasional Humphrey Lyttleton-ish silly comment thrown in. Here, for the Record, is the March of Time thusfar (or at any rate the passage of historic Time in March), in multiples of 140 Character tweets:

16 March: Weekend followers count up from 1066 (Battle of Hastings) to dark age of 1110 (First Crusade). Heading for the anarchy of 1135... ooer.

17 March 1138, therefore time to recall the election of Cardinal Gregory as Anti-Pope Victor IV. Anti-Popes had such butch names...

18 March: 1165 — when King Henry II had a major affair with the Rosamund Clifford. A right old Royal Story for ye Sunne...

19 March: 1189 — 3 Sepember 1189 was fixed as “Time immemorial” in English Law from 1263-1832. Significant milestone, surely.

20 March: 1220 — completion Chartres & start of Salisbury Cathedrals, and papal approval of (Dominican) Order of Preachers

21 March: 1230 — ye Teutonic Knights were invited into Prussia to forcibly Convert the Yatvags to "Christianity." Creepy Stuff.

22 March: 1258 — Provisions of Oxford (Henry III forced to recognise parliament) and, of course, siege & fall of Baghdad.

23 March: 1271 — Baibars captures Krak des Chevaliers and the 5th Crusade flops. Also in 1271 (in spirit of the late Humphrey Lyttleton) Emperor Ottakar II fails to invade Hungary [and starts a chain of bookshops instead] also in 1271 (Humph would say) Emperor Bing of Song is born: Emperor Bing waited until 1942 to record White Christmas at the age of 671

24 March: 1284 — year Wales was joined to England (Statute of Rhuddlan) & the foundation of Peterhouse, oldest college of Cambridge University. 1284 also yr legend says pied piper visited Hamelin. Massive bail-out of City rats resourced by ye city's children. They ended up with him in their own toyshop in Regent Street.

25 March: 1292 — the year Edward I appointed John Balliol as (puppet) King of Scotland over Robert the Bruce, much provoking the Tartan Army

26 March: 1299 — Time for the Mexica to settle in Chapultepec: Schlocky sacrifices and one flower ceremonies in today's Mexico city...

27 March: 1315, & plucky Swiss Confederates defeat Leopold Habsburg @ ye battle of Morgarten securing future independence of Switzerland. At Morgarten Confederates hold up knights in a pass between two bulbous mountains: Early Confederacy/ Dolly Parton thang?

28 March: 1335 — Otto the Merry becomes Duke of Carinthia around the time slavery is abolished in Sweden - everything looking up! People wonder why they called him Otto the Merry:


29 March: 1345 — pray silence for "Miracle of the Host": Amsterdam 12.3.1345: dying man vomited host, flamed it; didn't burn: http://is.gd/puzx

30 March: 1369 — As England reels under its third dose of Black Death, Tamerlane the Great makes Samarkand capital of his empire

31 March: 1395 — William of Waynflete weighs in: Bishop of Winchester, Head of Winchester College, Eton, & New College Oxford: Lord Chancellor

1 April: 1418 — Council of Constance 1414-18. Western schism over. 3 Popes into 1. Wyclif & Hus condemned. Early international law formulated.

2 April: 1429 — Joan of Arc busts siege of Orleans, & drives Sir John Falstaff’s English army from the Loire valley: JF retires to ye pub

3 April: 1449 — Last Emperor of Byzantium is crowned Constantine XI, & last Antipope (Felix V) bows out (founds Catfood dynasty instead)

4 April: 1451, and Nicholas of Cusa invents Concave Spectacles for myopic people.

5 April: 1465 — Henry VI, pious but completely round ye twist, is imprisoned by Edward IV in the Tower, & Margaret of Anjou legs it to France

6 April: 1469 — Ferdinand acquires Isabella (Aragon+Castile = Spain), Scots acquire Orkney & Shetland, Lorenzo Medici acquires Florence. Busy Bunnies!

7 April: 1477 — William Caxton prints first English book on English printing press (Dictes or sayengis of the Philosophres)

8 April: 1485 — a horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse! it could be arranged... Bosworth. Henry VII wins crown off wicked uncle Richard III. Tudor dynasty begins: & with it, some say, Modern England. Meanwhile in France, the Peace of Bourges temporarily halts the Mad War.

now off for a run, dodging brickbats from Richard III supporters... Richard used to do a good chocolate advert too...

9 April: 1495 — As we leave the middle ages Brother Jon Cor, a Franciscan Friar, records world’s first Scotch Whisky. March of time speeds up...

10 April: 1504 — Michaelangelo’s David in Florence; & naughty old Leonardo dV & Machiavelli divert Arno river against Pisa. Also in 1504 Matthias Grünewald paints Crucifixion....
Karl Barth kept a copy on his desk

11 April: 1510 — Catherine of Aragon produces stillborn daughter, Thomas More becomes Under-Sherriff of London Henry VIII wins a joust without cheating (they say)

12 April: Happy Easter! 1530 — the year of the Augsburg Confession, prepared for Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor.

13 April: 1537 — Monasteries dissolved in England, foundation of Recife by Portuguese in Brazil; first mention of Bangalore in India

14 April: 1545 — The Mary Rose sinks near Portsmouth, and the Council of Trent starts up: eyes down for a full house...

15 April: 1563 — English lose LeHavre; Council of Trent closes, Northern seven years war breaks out... (Big Danes/Swedes punchup) Council of Trent organises RC Church as modern denomination, but fails to organise Brewery, Nottingham University, or Boots the Chemist.

16 April: 1570 — Ivan the Great's Massacre of Novgorod, & Pius V Papal Bull excommunicates Elizabeth I

17 April: 1581 — Union of Utrecht proclaims independence from Philip of Spain & becomes republic. Francis Drake, Circumnavigator, knighted... As Elizabteh I knights old pirate she askes him "But where are your buccaneers?" & he replies, “Why, Ma'am, stuck to both sides of me buccan... (at this point 140 character limit cut in)

18 April: 1592 — Henry IV of France converts to Roman Catholicism, divorcing Queen Marguerite of Navarre. Mistress Gabrielle d’Estes bore him four kids, though... Punters down 1591 betting shop might have put serious money on France ending up Protestant! Henry's conversion to Roman Catholicism involved divorcing his wife... Minus Henry VIII = Henry IV. The tale also shows how pre-Louis XIV/ Napoleon France was loose conglomeration of landes, not modern nation.

Clement Freud: unusual achievements

Very sorry indeed to note the passing of Sir Clement Freud; a witty, humane and decent person, indeed a much loved national institution. He served for may years on radio and TV panel games such as Just a Minute and Have I got News for You?
Sir Clement’s life of almost 85 years notched up various achievements and points of interest, that not everyone may know (apart from his membership of the Church of England).
Here are 10 of my favourites:

1. He was grandson of Sigmund Freud, the shrink, and brother of Lucian Freud, the artist, neither of whom did panel games on radio.
   
   
2. As a racing enthusiast he wrote a column for many years in the Racing Post. He claimed that his secretarial assistance was part sponsored by Ladbroke’s betting shops, who had quoted odds of 33/1 against his getting into Parliament.
   
   
3. He served on Field Marshall Montgomery of Alamein’s staff during World War II
   
   
4. He was happily married to June Flewitt, the inspiration for C. S. Lewis’ Lucy Pevensie in the Chronicles of Narnia novels. The couple had five children.
   
   
5. He worked as a chef at the Dorchester and started his own restaurant in Sloane Square
   
   
6. He came to national attention with a series of adverts for dogfood called Minced Morsels, where he appeared alongside someone even more lugubrious than he, a bloodhound called Henry. There were several Henrys, but only one Clement Freud.
   
   
7. He was MP for the Isle of Ely 1973-87, and knighted on leaving the Commons.
   
   
8. When given an inferior room to fellow MP Winston Churchill on a parliamentary delegation to China, he claimed to have been “Out Grandfathered.”
   
   
9. In 2002, he beat Germaine Greer in the student election for Rector of the University of Saint Andrews.
   
   
10. He had a minor bit part in the Wings album Band on the Run.

My favorite Clement Freud moment came during the Isle of Ely election campaign of 1973, when an old lady stood up at one of his meetings and denounced the declining build quality of the local council houses. Quick as a flash he replied in his own deadpan lugubrious voice (there, got the word in twice), “Madam, if you vote for me, I will build you an old Council House.” This witticism delineates the limits to my pet concept of revolution by tradition.
Freud for thought, you may say...

Grand National: Place your bets...

People wonder what the future of Christianity will be in Britain. Is it about getting everything licked into shape with the institutional Church, or adventurous new forms of priestly ministry? Is it about renewing our historic resources to be all they could be? Or is the life at the more sectarian seeming margins? Is it about social renewal?

In today’s Grand National, people can put their money where their mouth is, down the betting shop. Straws in the wind, you may say, but keep an eye out for the following Grand National contenders:

1. No 5: Comply or Die 12/1
   Winner last year, but out of form since
   
   
2. No 10: Priests Leap 100/1
   Solid Stayer — Interesting at a Big Price
   thus the Parish Share?
   
   
3. No 19: Parson’s Legacy 16/1
   Will love this stamina test, but lacks pace
   
   
4. No 21: Fundamentalist 150/1
   Fell 3rd Fence last year. No Chance.
   
   
5. No 31: Rambling Minster 10/1
   Thorough stayer who is int he form of his life
   Note there is only one “i” in the name...
   
   
6. No 38: Idle Talk 66/1
   Reported in great shape, but needs to improve to win

So there you have it. All good Anglicans should, of course, lay Each Way bets, preferably on everything at once. You don’t win anything, but it sure beats making up your mind. Go easy on Fundamentalist though. If it comes in, various of you will feel like leaving the country...

h/t Revds Colin Smith and Richard Watson, and the Daily Telegraph for the form guide.